"Don't buy expensive COVID-19 home testing kits, just follow my simple advice."
"Take a glass full of your favourite tipple, eg whisky, gin, rum and sniff it. If you can smell it then you're halfway there. Now take a big sip. If you can taste it you don't have the virus!"
"You must test yourself regularly, say every 5 minutes."
"However, if you wake up the next morning with a bad headache this is one of the symptoms of Coronavirus so you will have to repeat the tests again tonight!"
Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise