Supermarkets

Supermarkets

Ted says, "Don't waste your money buying stuff from supermarkets. I bought an Asda supreme lasagne and the instructions said “remove outer packaging and film lid” I pierced the lid and filmed it for a good 20 minutes and sod all happened! Then I went to Sainsburys to buy some orange juice. It said concentrate, so I stared at the carton for 20 minutes and bugger all happened to that either. What a rip!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Loss of Taste

Loss of Taste

Ted says,

"If you find yourself thinking James Blunt is the best singer in the world or that Miranda Hart is hysterically funny, or you suddenly realise you couldn't live without a double portion of delicious couscous every day then self isolate immediately. You are showing all the latest symptoms of Coronavirus... a complete loss of taste!"

Sandwich Fillings

Sandwich Fillings

Ted says,

"To relieve the boredom of Lockdown, get all your Facebook friends to name their 10 favourite sandwich fillings in order of preference to see how much of their time you can waste and how much you don't really give a toss about what they put anyway! In addition they'll thank you for keeping them occupied for a while. A win win situation for you!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise. And sometimes a little mischievous!

Annoying God

Annoying God

Ted says,

"God created heaven on earth in six days and rested on the seventh. You would think his followers would show respect by doing the Christian thing and letting him have a lie in on Sundays. But oh no, they bother him at the crack of dawn every bloomin' week with their noisy organ songs and prayers asking him to sort out stuff."

"Tsk! Some people eh?"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Right Hook

Right Hook

Ted says, "If you're very angry with someone just count slowly from one to ten. When you get to seven or eight, give them a solid right hook to the nose. They won't be expecting it at all, you win!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise. (and sometimes underhand!)

How's My Driving?

How's My Driving?

Ted says, "Are you a bit short of money because of being furloughed by the coronavirus?" "Make up your lost 20% in wages by first getting yourself a premium rate phone number. Then display the number in the back window of your car with a sign that says," How's my driving?" Finally, drive around town like a complete ar**hole for an hour or two and watch the money pour in!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise. But sometimes highly irresponsible!

Torch

Torch

Ted says, "Are you fed up of looking at your partner's permenantly miserable face caused by the coronavirus lockdown?" "Would you like to see that frown turn upside down?" "Well, just force them to swallow a small high powered torch and then sit back and watch as their little faces light up!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise. (But sometimes highly irresponsible!)

Fencing

Fencing

Ted says, "Bored being stuck at home with nothing to do during the coronavirus lockdown?" "How about taking up fencing, an exciting and dangerous sport?" "Just remember to put the fencing back down again before your neighbour sees you or it might get even more dangerous!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Self Isolate

Self Isolate

Ted says, " For those of you considering wrapping yourselves up in rolls of fibre glass and polystyrene because of Coronavirus, I suggest you drop that idea with immediate effect and self-isolate instead! "

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Hot Fluid

Hot Fluid

Ted says, "Avoid running around burning your lips and throat drinking expensive boiling hot watered down fluid from a scalding plastic cup through a little hole, by getting up 10 minutes earlier and making yourself a nice cheap cup of coffee at home before you go to work."

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.