B&Q

B&Q

Ted says:

"Beware of customer service people in B&Q. I went into their garden department and a man in orange asked me if I wanted decking. I'm OK because I got the first punch in, but be warned people!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

The Finger

The Finger

Ted says,

"If people treat you unkindly, just STOP, breathe deeply and ponder this for a minute. They are only reacting to their own unresolved problems and it has TRULY nothing to do with you or what you have done... Then turn around and give them the finger!" 🖕

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Car park

Car park

Ted says,

"Do you have trouble remembering where you parked your car in crowded carparks? Leave your headlights on full and just wait for nightfall. Hey Presto, there's your car! Bonus tip. Always keep a fully charged 12v battery in the boot of your car. You never know when you might need one!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Sweetcorn

Sweetcorn

Ted says,

"In these increasingly troubled times, make yourself a cheap suit of armour from sweetcorn. If it can travel through gastric tracts completely unharmed, I bet it can easily stop a sword or a flying bullet. Stay safe!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Butter

Butter

Ted says,

Prevent your toast always landing buttered side down on the floor by waiting until after you've dropped it before buttering.

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Ready Meals

Ready Meals

Ted says,

"I have sent a letter to all the ready meal and frozen food manufacturers. It reads as follows,

"Why do all your products have to cook on the middle shelf of the oven? My middle shelf is jam packed at tea time. Design food that can be cooked on the top and bottom shelves as well the middle one and and I'm sure you’ll make yourselves a fortune! Kind regards, Ted."

"What do you, my fans think of my letter?"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Supermarkets

Supermarkets

Ted says,

"Don't waste your money buying stuff from supermarkets. I bought an Asda supreme lasagne and the instructions said “remove outer packaging and film lid” I pierced the lid and filmed it for a good 20 minutes and sod all happened! Then I went to Sainsburys to buy some orange juice. It said concentrate, so I stared at the carton for 20 minutes and bugger all happened to that either. What a rip!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Loss of Taste

Loss of Taste

Ted says,

"If you find yourself thinking James Blunt is the best singer in the world or that Miranda Hart is hysterically funny, or you suddenly realise you couldn't live without a double portion of delicious couscous every day then self isolate immediately. You are showing all the latest symptoms of Coronavirus... a complete loss of taste!"

Sandwich Fillings

Sandwich Fillings

Ted says,

"To relieve the boredom of Lockdown, get all your Facebook friends to name their 10 favourite sandwich fillings in order of preference to see how much of their time you can waste and how much you don't really give a toss about what they put anyway! In addition they'll thank you for keeping them occupied for a while. A win win situation for you!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise. And sometimes a little mischievous!

Annoying God

Annoying God

Ted says,

"God created heaven on earth in six days and rested on the seventh. You would think his followers would show respect by doing the Christian thing and letting him have a lie in on Sundays. But oh no, they bother him at the crack of dawn every bloomin' week with their noisy organ songs and prayers asking him to sort out stuff."

"Tsk! Some people eh?"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.